frayedlines

prologue-

somehow, some way, in some crazy time warp it has become the last year in my twenties. with that said i wanted to write it all down. i need a moment to reflect on what the hell happened over the past decade and i don’t want to forget a moment. i mean sure there is a lot of heavy stuff, but i know without the bad i would have never had any of the good. i remember uploading photo albums to my facebook. i remember falling in love for the very first time and the heartbreak at the end. i turned 21 in sydney australia and danced my ass off to ‘party in the usa’ while forcing everyone else off the stage as i was the lone american in the bar, or so i assumed. i worked for nordstrom selling kids shoes, and i killed it. i moved to new york city with $150 and slept on a sofa for 3 months until i could get my own place. i was a holiday employee and worked at lady gaga’s workshop at barneys on madison ave. i joined the ice theatre of new york, and got to continue skating. i dated a bunch of different types of guys while i was in new york. i moved to japan and lived in tokyo with a guy i met just 4 weeks prior. i told some people it was for work and a job, and the others that i was following my heart. after a year in japan, i moved to los angeles. i got a puppy and i was in love with him, his name was spike. los angeles proved to be the ultimate relationship poison. i started over yet again, found a new job and was for once completely on my own. i dealt with heartbreak, depression, and a lot of pain in every single wrong way. i eventually found myself again and i’m sorry for being unkind to anyone in that process. i’m no different than any other twenty year old something but i wanted to share it and maybe someone out there can connect with a story on some level and find some peace in knowing that you aren’t the only one. i found myself in some crazy dark corners of my mind in a lot of my twenties. some of that was my own doing and my own anxiety and worry and fear. but a lot of things happened that were also out of my control. i always follow my heart and my music every step of the way. i’ve made some really stupid choices and i’ve taken some crazy awesome risks. i said yes a lot more than i said no, and you should do that. you should also ask for help, it’s not a weakness. you should say i love you and look at people who matter in their eyes. crying is insanely helpful and that is the truth. but give it a limit, learn to control that, and work on the good stuff. no matter who or what you love, they should be a partner. partnership is not always a perfect balance, and that is the beauty in staying the course. instagram isn’t real. adele is and always will be the more talented and more grammy achieved version of me. spend more time with your friends and family and less time hoping to get a text about a party in the hills with the worst humans on the planet. go on a lot of dates and find someone who lets you be you, and feel like you can do anything in the world. love yourself a whole fucking bunch. if you don’t have a family, make one. stop waiting for approval because it won’t happen. okay, you still want it don’t you? approved. i love you, i love you, and please love you back. i always imagined how my twenties were going to be, and let me promise you they couldn’t have been more different.

love,

Kurt

i’m back. i can’t explain why i decided to stop writing exactly. i think part of the reason was that i didn’t want to hurt anyone. i can officially proceed seeing as though i have finally burned all of those bridges. my intentions were not cruel or ill intended, they just were necessary for me to move forward. my heart and head are so full of love and i seem to have an issue meeting like minded individuals who share those same values. i do believe opposites attract and for some reason i am always left with a scar. there is not one single encounter that i regret, i believe every one has been important. i know a good person quickly, and usually i can see the bad ones too. other times i think i want to be the person who evokes real change in someone. what i’m finally coming to realize is that i can only control me, myself, and i. i also have been gaining more confidence in the fact the people overall really don’t care that much. i tend to take things way to personally and i’m still trying to sort that portion of myself out. i don’t want to be so jaded by all the things i’ve been through, instead i want to continue to make people laugh and love the way i normally do. as far as the boys…well let’s be real i have had my moments and i think the fires are finally extinguished. and if they aren’t, well i’m getting there and i’m beyond ready for the bad anxiety to diminish. i have no excuse really for crossing the line the way i have, but i do know the root of why i tend to explode. i have flown over 200,000 miles this year by myself. now i wouldn’t take a mile back or begin to complain about having a great job, but it does get lonely. i come home to an empty apartment in between those trips and then back to the airport for the next city. when i get those moments with my friends or anyone really, where i’m in one place for a moment and not moving, i cherish them. when people waste those moments or hurt for whatever reason, i get a little white girl crazy. this was addressed in a very nice way on a hike with a close friend of mine and from here on out i’m working on taking the higher road more often. it’s not cute reacting like a teenager anymore, so i am tucking my tee shirt into my skinny jeans and behaving more better. i encourage you guys to do the same.

in addition to the above statement i would also like to say i love you. and i am sorry if you haven’t heard from me. kurt is here and alive, i have really been working nonstop. this is partially my fault and i will be doing more to say HELLO more often. i will also post more selfies and stories and pics of things i’m doing and where i’m at, but i will NOT post food photos because those are ridiculous. more music playlists coming again if your into my moody roller coaster of jams. mom, i will call you more. nana and papa, you guys too! my friends near and far, thank you for being there in all and anyway that you are. if i’m in a city near you please shoot me a message. we are about to land and the beautiful flight attendant is requesting that this device go into airplane mode.

xo,

kurt

the journalist:

I’m going to start with the good. The good part is actually cute, super cute in my book. It was just a regular LA night and I had a good old fashioned tinder date lined up at the taco joint nearby. I figured it was close to me, close to him, and worst case I could have a few margaritas and bail. He was late and I was early, and I am never ever early. With that said, I didn’t want to bail once he decided to show up. We knew each other from back in the day past and exes/roommates ago. He remembered me from back then and replayed the night we met back in New York. After a story like that, I was completely crushing. We went back to his hotel, had a few more drinks at the bar, and I woke up in that hotel. No, I’m not sharing everything but the room had an excellent view. The next day we went to Malibu and hiked a potential Hitler hub and watched the sunset over the entire span of Los Angeles. He is the smartest guy I have ever been on a date with. He knows words and facts about so many book things and historic things. He knows all those things I don’t. How to use proper grammar, where the biggest pyramid is in the world, the best place to have coffee with a view in Paris. He was the most handsome brainiac that I never saw coming. Somehow, this ice skater turned fashion globetrotter must have sparked his interest too. We connected for sure and I made sure we texted everyday. For someone who writes for a living he is the absolute, by far, worst texter I have ever texted. We both spoke about how impossible long distance relationships were from that very first date. I totally agreed that it did not work for myself either, but I’m a hopeless romantic and I was a Disney prince let’s not forget that. From the Czech Republic to Vancouver, it didn’t matter we messaged everyday. Two people who are always on the road and that didn’t have to be called long distance anything. It was just distance and he was just a friend, a special friend. I went to New York, and he came. I live in LA, he came for a week. After summer we didn’t have another date selected and we went went off as we do. He went to Paris and social media woke me up instead of a text from him. It had been a few days of zero connection and I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was right. And just to say it again, you are right if you feel it too. A mutual instagram friend posted a photo and it had all those feelings I had written all over it. That kid was having my date but in another city. He was hearing all those smart things. He was swooning over his beautiful smart curls and glasses. A picture really does say a thousand words and I heard them all. My heart sunk. I got out of bed and turned on the shower and was short of breath and felt this jealous anger start to boil. I couldn’t hold it back, I had to say something. I said things, I laid it out and I was right and wrong on lots of levels. I think about it often and I know there would have been several ways to do it. I could have turned a blind eye to the whole thing because we never said we were exclusive. I could have just called him and asked directly but I didn’t decide to go about either of those ways, I tackled it from both sides and it was terrible. Immensely super very what-the-hell-did-you-do the worst. We said no long distance, yes. We just texted and had zero label. We both travel all the time and meet lots of people, yes. But it was more than just a little casual friendship. He never goes on second dates, he made that clear when we sat outside in our dirty running clothes on our second date. We made it a point to talk daily and visit each other. It’s not crazy to start having some sort of relationship type of feeling with someone like that. I had that, and he did too. He also wants something beautiful near by and not something he has to have any ownership over. It’s the tall tale sign of someone who is clearly not ready for a relationship. Someone who is still dealing with their past situation. He’s brilliant in so many ways, but he doesn’t get a pass on making boys feel good and recycle them when things get a little too real. Instagram will not last forever and you won’t be twenty something forever. Screw all of that, nothing lasts forever so enjoy the now and be good. Be honest and try to be loving. I went on date number one because I was looking for love. I was looking for a new guy who I didn’t know and to see if the chemistry worked to make me want to see him again. And again and again and again. I use social media for meeting guys like that. Maybe I use it to find a husband so I can build a little family one day. He uses it to find a vulnerable boy to sightsee with…to sleep with…and ultimately to forget.

when i was twelve years old, i moved to new york city all by myself. a little boy from michigan, born and raised in waterford. i went to new york with all those morals and all that warm love from the midwest. i was scared and nervous and uncomfortable all the time. i was homesick and i quickly knew i was living in a much different place. tonight, my heart breaks in a different way. i thought new york was scary when i got there. tonight i realize that was the first step in truly being myself. i am different compared to the kid soaking chicken strips in ranch and drinking pop. i was born different and i was born myself. i have have always been me, i have always loved everyone as me. tonight my family voted for Donald Trump and his vice president who thinks i am sick and should be treated for my mental illness. you didn’t like her because she was a woman and spoke up? because she essentially has no style? do you really think those emails are so incriminating that Donald Trump should be in charge of the country? i am so happy i was given the opportunity to leave when i was twelve. it was the most painful and difficult challenge i can remember, that is for sure. but tonight i am saddened i didn’t say more to the people i loved. i didn’t want the distance to be any greater than it has been since i was a kid. i hoped that change and education would give them the insight and knowledge that i have. i was very wrong. i pray for education. i pray for my kids. i pray that i am legally allowed to have a family. i couldn’t imagine a better dad than me.

You know that good old saying about how history repeats itself? Well, I have to admit that I’m completely sick of it happening in my life. I don’t know why after all the lessons learned that for some reason I’m drawn to the bad. I end up finding the person or job or situation that has no respect or understanding of me. I give too much of myself to people and things that aren’t worth it. To people and things that don’t care for me back. The past three years have been turbulent to say the least. I think that I quickly forget about everything that has happened and the amount of damage it caused. I move to quickly and I am always on the run. It is so easy to lose track of everything when you are in a different time zone each week. And to be honest, I thought I could run from the past and leave it behind with no consequence. Well from me to you, it doesn’t work. Those dark times follow you unless you really deal with them. I have not dealt with mine. I ran because I wasn’t sure how to deal with it all. I couldn’t answer my questions as to why it happened or why I let it. I know why I stay in things even when they are completely destroyed. But that is just what I know to do. I don’t quit, whether that is beneficial in anyway or not. I realized recently that I need to quit the bad. I need to be there for the people who matter in my life. I need to cut out the people who don’t. I need to heal up. I need to face what happened. I need to give myself as much as I give other people. That might sound really bazaar but I think I prefer to make everyone else happier than me. I would be there for anyone I loved in a second. I would get on a plane, train, or drive as far as necessary. But who would do that for me back? You, you are the person I need to keep in my world. It is time to erase the expectations of people, because they will dissapoint one hundred percent of the time. I will miss him very much, but he wasn’t mine. I will miss the idea of what the future might have held, but he isn’t mine. I will miss the messages sent everyday, but he’s no longer mine. He was truly never mine, and that was decided from the first tortilla chip. So why did I decide to invest anymore energy after that first night? I guess I’m some form of a hopeless romantic. But enough of all this. I don’t want to look at all that social media to continue to feel inadequate. I am very much adequate and qualified to have someone respect and care for me back the way I do them. Call that what you want, I don’t need to label it. I want to make someone happy and feel loved. I want someone to make me happy and feel loved.

Period.

The end.

To be totally honest I never saw this chapter in the forecast. The past few years have been filled with change, adventure, and unexpected turbulence. That being said I seem to always land on my feet. I validated the bad with those successes and kept charging forward. Along the way I didn’t truly resolve any of my  issues. I did what was necessary to keep moving and get by. I didn’t fix my heart after the breakup, I got a new job instead. I didn’t ignore those people who used me, I took matters into my own hands to let them know they were wrong. I didn’t solve the lonely feeling at home, I boarded yet another plane to takeoff for anywhere. In all this running I have built up a rage that comes out in ways I am truly not proud of. I’ve projected my own issues on people with absolutely merit. I will always be honest and admit when I am wrong. I still think it’s important to let others know that something they may have said or done is hurtful. But it isn’t right to completely lose control with anyone because I have chosen to keep my demons in. I want to say I’m sorry to anyone who may have felt a bit of my wrath. I want to say I’m sorry to myself too, because I think I might have hurt myself the most. Things aren’t always perfect, and every single person has something they are battling. This truly is no pity party for one, this is just a heartfelt honest apology. I’m a sensitive, loving, empathic boy from Michigan. I got all caught up in me, I was trying so hard to just get back on my own two feet again. I skipped the cracks in the pavement and now I’m retracing my steps and seeing what I missed along the way. Here’s to another lesson in being an adult. Take responsibility for your actions and be kind.